Posted on March 5, 2012
The following is a rather painful flow of rhetoric which echoed a deep sense of unhappiness which I experienced yesterday. I wrote it in upset and posted it to my blog instantly, regretting it almost straight away and removing it. Having reviewed it today, I feel it is only right to post it once more. I feel that whilst the following no longer represents how I feel most of the time, it should serve as an example that even when one is “exiting the woods” of depression, the after effects of living with such unhappiness for so long can come back to haunt you with even more power than the pain itself ever even consumed you with.
The promise that “things will get better” is one which many of us seek refuge in at times of great depression. I know this as I have relied upon the notion that things do “improve” to sustain me when times have been tough. For years I have been swimming against the tide of life, but lately my “remarkable” ability to “keep resurfacing” (as put by a teacher of mine) has been tested to the point where I am having a hard time resurfacing anymore. I believe that there is really only so much pain which one person can take in their lifetime, beyond which a person becomes irreparably damaged. It is becoming increasingly common for me to feel like a victim of such pain – unable to repair and continue – but surprisingly my ability to resurface has not expired yet. Amazing, when I consider the fact that frankly in my life of less than 18 years I have experienced more than what I would have expected in an entire lifetime. I try passionately not to make my posts seem self-pitying, usually by being conservative with my emotions, however today things are different – I just can’t continue to resurface anymore.
Today has unquestionably been one of the most difficult days I have had in months. My life is falling apart around me, and whilst I am assured that “all is not lost” by some, I do not think that this is true anymore. I feel broken, and the only emotion which I feel consistently is deep unhappiness. I am fed up with constantly trying to make my life work when everything keeps going wrong. I fight, and fight, and fight, doing everything in my power to succeed, yet by some sick streak of bad luck literally everything which I attempt fails. My internal criticism is matched only by the contempt which a few individuals hold for me, sadly these people are ones who have great control over my life… And with the same bitter blow which these people have sent my way, my dreams are dwindling. “Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true, or is it something worse?” – I now know the answer. Sad, since I am not even technically an adult yet. I feel painfully alone in a world of darkness, and if truth be told there is not one thing in my life which I don’t associate with at least some pain anymore. What kind of life is this? I feel pathetic and exhausted, and also acutely aware of how “worried” my blog readers will be reading this. Don’t worry – I’m not going anywhere. Unless God himself should smite me down, I will continue to wake up every day into this life which I cannot bare.
It angers me when people consistently tell me that things will get better, because I have been waiting for a decade now – since I was a child – for things to improve within my family, and myself… It never does. Any modicum of hope which has been presented to me has been taken away, leaving more pain than what was present before it arrived. I lost my best friend last year, and the past 9 months have seen the systematic destruction of my education. Ironically I got 5 University offers last week, as though some kind of cruel joke from someone above. The offers are on the condition that I perform well in this year’s exams, but in the prelims which I just sat, I failed half of my exams. I have next to no chance of doing well this year, something which my Guidance teacher and Head of Year would fervently dispute, but sadly I feel I am right in this situation. To top that, today I was also confronted by a teacher who belittled me in front of a class, and another teacher who ripped something I was fighting for to shreds in front of peers. The first teacher is a bully and I was wrong to expect anything different from her, however the second teacher was one who I have always maintained a good relationship with. What he did today killed another small part of me. Not only this, but I also face losing one of the last good teachers I have, a man I have known for nearly 6 years and who is one of my last allies at school. I seem to be losing everything, and hardly know my own life. Waking up in the morning I barely recognise the world around me anymore – a feeling which I sadly believe is shared by many.
What a pathetic piece of writing this is. Why should I be upset though? The dream I had of being a writer has disappeared… I’m not even very good. My writing seems to me to be boring and repetitive, which is a blow as words seem to be all I have. However, I take this blow in the same way which I take other blows, with acceptance and I hope at least a degree of dignity.
No doubt I will regret posting this sometime in the near future, but it should serve as an example of the truth of my experience in this moment. To feel so deeply depressed at 17, or any age, is bad enough, but that moment when such a feeling becomes the norm? That is something which nobody should have to experience. Sadly I, like many others, have. I guess the thing which feels worst is the sense of loneliness. Unless you have experienced it then you won’t know this – to feel alone is maybe the worst thing in the world.
I’ll go to bed shortly and probably shed a tear or two as I did when I got home this evening… Eventually I will tire and fall asleep – waking up tomorrow and trying it all over again. As The Boss himself said - “everyday it just gets harder to live, this dream I’m believing in”.
With my rational mind I disagree with a lot of what I wrote yesterday, however in that moment there was a bitter truth in what I said. Sitting here with hindsight and a degree of mindfulness I realise that the days of such thinking and emotion defining my life are on their way out. This isn’t because today was any better, as I actually received further bad news academically and am as concerned about my future as I was this time yesterday – however today I appreciate the words of someone who said to me – “People told Bruce to give up and change his plans many times”, but he didn’t. “Talk about a dream, try to make it real.” - I have my dreams, and with every ounce of pain which I experience and overcome I feel closer to achieving my dreams… No matter how tough life gets, we’ve all got something to live for, people to fight for, and a dream to achieve.
“Well everybody’s got a secret, son, something that they just can’t face.
Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it, they carry it with them every step that they take
Till some day they just cut it loose, cut it loose or let it drag ‘em down
Where no one asks any questions or looks too long in your face
In the darkness on the edge of town.”